Geek Goals

This year is about getting my sanity back. Getting my health my house and my family into a better place by deliberate incremental changes in all areas of my life.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

I give up.

Seriously. I'm back up to 209.5.

I've been in the gym just about every day - at LEAST 5 times a week - 2 hours/day for the last 4 weeks.

I've lost precicely 5.5 lbs.

I don't get it. I'm eating under 1200 calories a day. I'm working out all the mother f'ing time. I'm doing everything that the books tell you. Drinking 2-4 liters of water a day. Lifting weights to build up strength. Running to burn off fat the quickest.

My body is just not cooperating.

I cried myself to sleep last night. While I was at the gym, a girl came in looking like I used to. She was tall and thin - about a size 8. Just like I was at her age - probably 17. She ran and she ran. I watched her and wondered what made me think I was fat at the time.

I then went home after my 2 hour workout, took 1 look at my naked self in the mirror and sobbed. I can't even look at myself anymore. I want to quit and eat bowls and bowls of ice cream. I want to just lay in a vat of lard and absorb it thru my skin.

I can't seem to lose weight. I don't know what's wrong. I was doing so well. 2 lbs/week blah blah blah.

I fell asleep crying last night. The bf held me while I sobbed.

I ache today from the workout last night, but I think my heart hurts more than anything...

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am sorry you are having such a hard time! Have you had your thyroid checked? Is stress maybe to blame? Some people seem to think that constant stress makes your body create/hold onto fat...

Try to be gentle with yourself and keep peace with your soul. Yoga may be a better bet for you right now than running on the treadmill - Good luck!

Danielle said...

Keep working out and STOP weighing yourself 2 times a day!

Spend a bit of that workout time on improving your outlook and self esteem.

Danielle said...

Oh yea, and one thing I did before I started working out was moving some of my clothes that were too small (they fit but did not flatter me anymore) out of my closet. I miss them because some were my favorite shirts, but once I have lost 5-10 lbs they will look better on me again and I can pull them out as a reward.

Concentrate on the fact that you can feel better about yourself now than before because at least now you are DOING SOMETHING about it!

jmac said...

One of the reasons not to weigh yourself when you are lifting weights is exactly this reason...you are gaining muscle. Muscle weighs more than fat (I'm sure you know that) and all that's probably happening is that you have lost weight and "replaced" it with muscle...something we ALL want.

Do you feel stronger? Can you do 5 more push ups than you did 4 weeks ago? How much longer can you run/walk than when you first started this routine? Do you go up the stairs at work or at the mall and don't feel out of breath? Do you feel like you can play with your kids longer? How are your clothes fitting? Your answer to those kinds of questions might be a good way to measure how well you are doing.

Be proud of yourself for working so hard and being committed...your body thanks you for it. If you want a night with bowls and bowls of ice-cream I'd say go for it and once you're done be sure leave it behind you - chances are it won't affect you one bit because you are working so hard and it'll get converted in energy.

Don't give up on your body!!